When you meet someone who is reserved to join you in conversation, how often do you ask yourself “What is the reason this person is quiet?”
It is generally an awkward situation when you want to be friendly with a new acquaintance and they seem unresponsive. You may have opened up with a few friendly comments and then paused to give them an opportunity to speak. What do you do then when their response is silence?
Now you find yourself in the situation where if you don’t take the lead, a conversation will not start. Instead of thinking that this other person is not worth the bother to engage in conversation, accept the challenge of trying to figure out why they are quiet and draw them out into a conversation.
Many amazing, fascinating and incredibly smart people are quiet. You will miss out on the opportunity to engage with wonderful folks with fabulous lives to share if you give up on this challenge. Those who Pursue Great!, in conversation accept this challenge and seek to apply themselves to encourage conversation.
Ask yourself these questions and consider the following approaches to see if you can get your quiet partner to open up.
1. Is he quiet because this is the way he wants to be? Many quiet people have great knowledge and ability to carry on in-depth conversations. They simply prefer to be reserved and not speak unless there is good reason to join in the conversation. Some prefer to listen to others speak to absorb what they are saying and learn. Others are less interested in simple everyday chatter and tend to engage more during deeper topics.
You may be able to bring this person out and get them involved in a conversation by observing them and searching for an area of their interest. Take a look at their clothing, hairstyle, body build or amount of tan. What do they have with them – sports equipment, children, hobby equipment such as a camera? Ask a question or two based on what you observe and see if you find a topic in which he is interested.
2. “Is she quiet because see thinks highly of herself and thinks she is more knowledgeable?” Let’s face it, some people think quite highly of themselves. As a by-product they can sometimes fall into the trap of looking down on others who they think are not up to their standards. Conversation with these folks is often uncomfortable and usually most of us try to avoid them. Sometimes, because of circumstances we cannot avoid being involved with them.
First of all, have sympathy for them. When this is a person’s mode-of-operation, life can be difficult for them and they probably don’t know the reason why. It is very stressful thinking you are better than everyone else. It is a high standard they have created for themselves to try to live up to. Heaven forbid if they were to make a mistake and people found out they are not perfect!
When you are in a situation of dealing with this kind of person, start by taking it easy. Move carefully into the conversation, one step at a time. If you rush in with full force, they will take offense, thinking you may be challenging them for superiority. They will respond back with an artillery of verbal harshness. Instead, let them have the reins and run with the conversation. Engage slowly and carefully in the conversation.
A good method for this approach is to ask questions. Often you can guide or direct a conversation with properly timed and wise questions. With someone who sees themselves as a perfectionist, you will not be able to make direct comments in contradiction to their beliefs, but asking questions will often get them thinking about a subject from a different angle.
We will continue this further in the next post.